Go The Distance: Don't Get Stuck On Convenience and Attraction
In previous posts, I’ve talked about the problem of “relationships of convenience”. This is the type of relationship where your partner is all fine and good as long as there isn’t too much work involved. No conflict, no drama, sex life is plentiful. If conflict and drama start to creep into this type of relationship, and it stops being convenient then one or both partners seek something better.
Here’s the problem with this thinking – the grass will never be greener on the other side of the fence. Relationships deal with people. People are full of drama, and conflict, and baggage, and trauma. They have their failings. What does this mean? It means that the expectation for a convenient relationship free of drama and conflict isn’t very realistic. Especially if your goal is to make a relationship last, and to build something more than a one night stand.
How do I get past this relationship of convenience and attraction?
The simplest answer is to check your expectations at the door. Stop looking for the easy! Understand that your partner has their problems and failings. So do you. The entire purpose of the early days of a relationship is supposed to be finding out what these things are. “What’s your favourite food?” or “What’s your favourite cocktail?” might be fun questions to talk about, but they aren’t very important. “Tell me about a time when you were ashamed of yourself?” or “Talk to me about the problems you had with your ex?” are far more valuable.
These questions will help you will learn how your partner handles conflict, and whether they have the humility to admit when they mess up. Are they able to problem solve, or do they cut and run at the slightest hint of difficulty in their relationship? The sooner that a couple can get past skin-deep in their relationship, the more likely they are to be successful in that relationship.
When you ask hard questions, you can evaluate yourself as well. Does my prospective partner have problems that I simply can’t handle? It’s okay if the answer is yes. If you can get to this place early in a relationship, it becomes easier to end that relationship if you don’t have the tools or the capability to handle the baggage somebody brings.
A lot of people state that they want a person without baggage on their dating profile. I hate to tell you, but this is never a reasonable expectation. Unless the person you are trying to date is 16, or has lived at home with their parents their whole life, I guarantee there will be baggage. It’s part and parcel of being an adult. It’s not a question of whether a person has baggage; it’s a matter of how they handle their baggage. Spend less time looking for a person with the same interests as you. Spend more time looking for somebody with compatible baggage.
You’ll be happier in the long run.
