Fake It Until You Make It Doesn't Apply
There’s nothing quite like a new relationship to put a little spring in your step. New experiences, the pleasure of each other’s company, passion, opportunity, and the hope of a future together drive up those wonderful brain chemicals that let us float while the rest of the world gets to walk. It’s exhilarating!
And that’s the trap. Is the excitement of the new the real relationship? Not really. The real relationship comes later when there are challenges that are overcome and we’re forced to work together with our partner to find solutions. That’s when we learn what our relationships are made of. Success this way is only possible if we stay true to ourselves as people. The dopamine fueled fantasy is seductive, and it risks stripping us of our identity as we try desperately to recreate the initial high of new love. We leave ourselves vulnerable to a manipulative partner (whether deliberate or not), to exploit our desire for these feelings to engage in a one-sided relationship devoid of consideration for both partners’ feelings.
How do we avoid the trap?
It’s critical that we maintain an individual identity within the relationship. You are NOT one person in a relationship. You are two separate people, with individual lives, goals, dreams, needs, and desires, who come together hopefully to accomplish some of those goals and dreams. There must be boundaries in the relationship and those boundaries must be respected! Both partners must have a say in what direction the relationship goes.
A partner who finds themselves being co-opted by their significant other is at risk of complete ruin. Depression, anxiety, and a sense of longing and desperation awaits somebody who allows a relationship to move into an unhealthy power dynamic. You have a responsibility to speak up for yourself if you have concerns about how your relationship is proceeding, and your partner has a responsibility to take your concerns seriously.
The rush of new love doesn’t create meaningfulness in your relationship. That comes from years of working at it. Facing conflicts together, not always agreeing, compromising, sometimes fighting for what you want, but coming away at the end with a common plan to face the world. Staying true to our individual identity is the path that’s necessary to follow in order to reach our desired end-state. There’s not guarantee of happiness at the end, but there is a guarantee of misery if we lose ourselves in order to meet somebody else’s power and control needs.
