Be A Partner Not a Pet
The people that we invite into our weird little world help make our lives better. Otherwise, why would we invite them in the first place? Relationships are often rewarding, and they can help provide a lifetime of meaningfulness, bringing out the best in us. It is important to remember though, that no single person can meet every need. We all have unique interests and passions, and they should be explored. It’s what all that labour during the week is for; to give us the opportunity to do the things that really blow our hair back. It’s key to ensure that there is balance between our life and relationships, so that we can be a good quality partner, not simply a pet for somebody else’s amusement.
Controlling behaviour should be seen as a red flag. If your partner doesn’t like being excluded from your plans, it’s a big warning sign that don’t want you to have a life without them. They don’t respect your need for time alone. If you leave the house without them, they start texting or calling to check on where you are and who you’re with. Time to unwind by yourself is important. If trying to take time to yourself leads to inevitable conflict, victims of a controlling partner often just stop trying to take time to themselves to the detriment of their own mental health.
Controlling partners will shame you for spending time with family and friends. This can be especially problematic if you have platonic opposite sex friends. There are many who hold the opinion that people in a relationship should not have opposite sex friends; however, these friendships are often valuable. For instance, there will be times when there is an issue with your significant other, that you may want perspective from the opposite sex before speaking to your partner. Hand in hand with controlling friendships, comes jealous accusations. “You’re cheating on me” or “you’re more interested in your friends than me” is common. It won’t matter how much or how little time you spend with friends, it will be too much for the controlling partner.
Other issues include the controlling partner checking texts and other personal communications. No matter how long you’ve been together, you should always be able to have your privacy. Somebody who checks phone calls, emails, texts, social media, or belongings without permission is somebody who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Your controlling partner is engaging in this VERY negative behaviour in order to protect themselves, not you, from potential negative outcomes. This may be the result of past trauma, or poor relationships, but it leads to nothing but negative interactions within the context of your relationship. You become a pet, not a person with individual thoughts, feelings and interests. Often the result of deep anxiety, they are trying to make you prevent them from experiencing the focus of their anxiety instead of developing positive coping mechanisms. It is very important to call out the behaviour early, and seek counselling. The more entrenched the controlling behaviour becomes, the poorer the prognosis for your relationship.
